Christmas. My favourite time of year.
So last night my cousin, well actually my husbands cousin from the UK, messaged me. She told me that the night before she had a dream. In this dream we were all at their house in London, and we were celebrating something but she wasn't sure what. So she went to her room and there I was, with a tiny bump. I handed our newborn baby over to her and she said the baby boy was as tiny as a coffee bean. She then realised we were all there to celebrate this brand new baby. Our brand new baby.
She said in her dream, when she touched him, he grew and grew with each stroke until he was a full grown baby boy. She said he was so warm and cuddly and that she had so so much love for this tiny little life in her arms. And so there she sat whole day (dream), and cuddled our baby.
After I read this message I burst into tears. Oh God, I cried and cried and cried. Isaiah asked me "mummy why are you crying? are you going to die now? I'm going to be very sad if you die now." My heart broke into tiny pieces, millions of them. Why did my baby think this? He's only 3 for goodness sake! The rest of the night my eyes puffed up from all the crying and eventually Isaiah fell asleep.
My husband then asked me what was wrong, why am I crying so much and I told him about our cousins dream. I had a complete meltdown. I shouted and screamed and got so angry at God. I told my husband that this wasn't fair. It's so unfair! Why is everyone else falling pregnant and completing their families while we struggle and go through absolute hell?
I just realised that its a been month. Yesterday was one whole month of losing our baby. ONE MONTH. One month ago I lost you my baby. And it is still so so raw. My physical wounds have healed beautifully, but my heart... my heart is still shattered. It's almost like I'm only starting to realise now that you were real. And now you're gone.
This morning I listened to a song by the Piano Guys featuring Craig Aven - The Sweetest Gift, and it made me feel a little bit better. It's about the person they've lost being at the throne of God, with the Prince of Peace. And where else would you rather be? That is the place where we all want to be. And my two angels are there. They are safe up there with Him. And boy oh boy are they going to have a feast this Christmas.
The only comfort I have is knowing that Darron and I have made two extremely pure and perfect babies, way too perfect for earth and so God took them to be near to Him and to help Him with His work. The way I've felt close to them is hearing about this dream that my cousin had. Thank you L. That was the sweetest gift, knowing that our baby visited you 💕