The name we would've given our rainbow baby if it was a girl.
This is going to be a raw, real-deal post so please understand if it is a bit all over the place.
In July I had an early pregnancy miscarriage. I was about 4/5 weeks pregnant. I didn't need a D&C as my body "got rid" of the pregnancy naturally. We accepted it as a chromosomal abnormality and grieved a while. We even named her Penelope or "Penny". Darron and I believed it was a girl. May your soul rest in peace our baby. †
The only proof that you were here. In my womb. Miss you my baby. Please look after your sister up there.
On the 19th of October I found out we were pregnant again. I told Isaiah to go to his father and tell him "I'm going to be a big brother dad!". We all cried tears of joy.
I made this picture and immediately the three of us went on our knees and thanked God for this blessing. Isaiah said he wants a baby girl so we prayed about it being a girl, for him.
I was particularly excited about having a winter baby as Isaiah was born in the heat of summer. June, I thought, nice month to have a baby.
A few days after that I started spotting and was sure I'd lost you. I went to our GP and she checked my cervix and it was all closed up tight, so I was not miscarrying as I'd thought. The spotting continued until the end. That Monday the 28th of October the other GP did an abdominal ultrasound and found nothing but fibroids in my uterus. I told him to rule out ectopic but he said I'd be in MUCH more pain if it was that. So I just assumed the sac was too small to see. My bHCG was still rising and I was referred to my gynaecologist the next day.
My gynae did an abdominal and transvaginal ultrasound and saw a small gestational sac but nothing else. He said it's too small to see anything and prescribed progesterone suppositories and to come back in 10 - 14 days. So we did. I tried to rest where I could and talk to you, my baby in my womb. I even played piano much more and sang to you. My next scan was scheduled for 11 November and we even brought your brother with. I imagined your heartbeat for all those days leading up to the scan. And then the worst news when my gynae put the US wand on my tummy. "I'm worried about this pregnancy. I don't see anything." What? Excuse me? What about that gestational sac you saw two weeks ago? The CRAZIEST thoughts going through my mind as the doctor tried to explain to Darron about ectopic pregnancies. He even showed Darron a picture of the female reproductive system. I ignored him. I knew exactly what is was. Hello, I'm a Life Science teacher. My dad is a doctor. I'm obsessed with human physiology, especially the female human body. I went numb as he explained I'd have to have surgery to remove you, my baby. And that he would possibly have to remove my tube as well.
MY FALLOPIAN TUBE? I asked. We only have two. Every female usually has two, because we also have two ovaries. And every month the ovaries alternate to ovulate an egg. So in January its the left, then February its the right. So basically if I only have one tube, our chances of having another child is halved?!?! AND then the doctor says my chances of having another ectopic pregnancy will also increase if this is the case. Oh Lord why. Lord, you know how much we wanted this. And right there and then my Faith disappeared. Vanished.
Tuesday came. Admitted to hospital, got shown my bed, filled in some forms. The nurses thought I was in for a D&C but I told them it was a laparoscopy and a possible salpingectomy. I showered and put on that awful gown and plastic bag panty and went to rest. NIL per mouth since 9am. Got into the bed by 1pm and tried to sleep. I started cramping and bleeding again but they couldn't give me anything for the pain. My op was only scheduled for 4pm.
4pm came and time to be rolled into theatre. God I was so scared. The anaesthesiologist asked where are my veins. I laughed and said I don't have any, everyone struggles to find them. My pulse rate increased and he said "are you just nervous or what? relax a little". I couldn't. I've watched too many Grey's Anatomy episodes to be 'okay' on an operating table. A nurse came in and said "Violet sends her regards and you are in good hands." I burst into tears and the doctor gave me some oxygen and off I went to sleep.
I woke up and squinted at the clock (I am really blind without my glasses or contact lenses). It was 5:30pm. Why did the op take so long? Or was I just sleeping for that long? I heard the nurse telling the other one "patient had left salpingectomy". So you were there in my left tube. My baby, my silly baby. Why did you go and implant there? You were supposed to go to my uterus and implant there! Much more room and fluffiness to grow there my baby. Sigh.
When Isaiah saw me being rolled into the ward, he asked his father "did mummy die daddy?". Basically a part of me died. The hope and faith that our prayers would be answered, died. Since then I've been angry with God. I mean, he knows how much we wanted this. And now our chances have decreased? To have another? I know I shouldn't look at only the bad. I mustn't forget all the good he's done for me. I couldv'e lost my life actually. But he didn't allow that at least. So I'm sorry God. I'm sorry for being angry at you for allowing this to happen to us. I need to have more faith, belief and trust. And I'm slowly starting to regain that again. Please forgive me.
I know I have to cry and cry and cry some more. I was struggling to cry and "be emotional" last week. But now that my mother has gone back home (I am really grateful that she was here, truly thankful for you mummy) and I am alone with my thoughts, I am finally able to just cry and scream and shout and swear. I am not wallowing in self-pity. I am grieving. I am mourning. It has been one week since I've lost you. Now you go and fly amongst the other angels and with your sister. Have fun up there. Mummy will meet you one day and until then, please know I longed to hold you, to kiss you, to nurse you. And that you were loved. You are loved. So so much. Rest in peace my baby Faith ✝